My Night Out With David Attenborough

Last weekend I had kind of an odd experience. Me and my roommate were just pre-gaming in my room, getting ready to head down to the Socials, when who should show up at my door but Sir David Attenborough, the British narrator guy from BBC's Planet Earth. Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when he demanded that we take him out with us. This pretty much sums up how my night went:

David Attenborough : Over half of Amherst College’s surface is covered by quads. Situated between the Crossett-Stone Lowlands to the east, and the Pond-Davis Range to the west, the Social Quad ranks as Amherst’s second largest. Although dwarfed in area by the Freshman Quad, the Social Quad is unparalleled for biological diversity. With the notable exception of the Eastern Gray Squirrel stockpiling acorns for winter, the quad remains largely uninhabited by day. But by nightfall, the quad becomes a veritable hotbed of collegiate life.

PK: Yo, seriously Dave, you really need to shut the fuck up with that. If this is how you’re gonna act all night then I’m not gonna bring you out with us.

DA: But this is how I talk.

PK: Do you wanna go with us or not?

DA: Alright, alright, I'm cool.

[We walk down to the Socials, where a large crowd is gathered outside. Attenborough becomes infatuated with some dude trying to spit game off to the side.]

DA: The urge to mate is one that drives all species of the Social Quad. By one o’clock in the morning, desire has turned to desperation. Isolated on the outskirts of the herd, a male of the Former Athlete subspecies courts a prospective breeding partner. Recently liberated from the restrictions of his gridiron commitments, the Ex-Football Player abandons his close-cropped haircut for a longer, shaggier winter pelt. The extra fur, he hopes, will help attract potential mates. As it is, he has managed to find a freshman female that has become separated from the rest of the flock.

PK: Really? Come on, what did I just tell you about that shit, man?

DA: The Ex-Football Player gestures wildly with his arms in a primitive ritual, attempting to impress his female companion with his funny stories and animated demeanor. The female seems to be responding, albeit reluctantly. The male moves in closer, establishing physical contact by placing his hand on the small of her back. Perhaps the night is his after all.

PK: I'm serious bro, you are this close.

DA: Okay, chill man, chill. We're cool, we're cool.

PK: You want a drink or something from inside?

DA: Why that sounds splendid.

PK: Beer alright?

DA: But of course! I'll have a Guinness. 

PK: We got Keystone Light.

DA: Right-o.

[I push my way inside and grab a couple of beers. By the time I reemerge, Attenborough has cornered a drunk girl and seems to be trying to impress her with his ongoing narration]

DA: Out of the brush emerges competition: the Current Football Player. Ex-Football Player may seem immense, but he is bested for size and strength by this newcomer. Former Athlete senses danger, but he is too late; confrontation is now inevitable. Current Player approaches the pair, placing his hand on the female’s opposite side. The female seems to respond to his more highly evolved physique and shorter coat of hair. Feeling the fruits of his labor beginning to slip away, the Ex-Football Player resorts to pageantry, puffing his chest out and stomping his feet at the new alpha male. Current Player is all too happy to reciprocate these gestures in turn, and the standoff begins.

[I jump in between Attenborough and the girl]

PK: Dude, what the fuck did I just tell you about this? Shit is mad annoying.

DA: Come on now, we were quite enjoying ourselves, watching those two rather stout gentlemen over there. I really don't see what the problem is.

Girl: I looove your accent, are you British or something?

DA: See?

PK: The problem is that you're a fucking creep.

[I turn to the girl]

PK: I'm really sorry he was bothering you, my friend Dave here can get a little carried away.

DA: Actually, it's Sir David Attenborough. Have I told you that I've been knighted?

[I roll my eyes at him]

DA: Just when violence seems a forgone conclusion, a flutter of heels and skirts from off in the distance. The bevy of first year females has returned to rescue their fallen comrade. Preoccupied with one another, the two males are powerless to protest as she reclaims her spot amongst the brood. Just as fast as it swooped in, the flock takes off, leaving barely a trace in its wake. Current Player and Ex-Player are bewildered; victory belongs to neither on this night.

PK: Enough already. What is it with you and the words, and the nature, and what the fuck is a bevy?

DA: Although not as powerful as the drive to mate, hunger is still a most compelling force on the creatures of the Social Quad. Resigned to remain abstentious for yet another evening, Current Football Player and Ex-Football Player put aside their recent contest and resolve to quell their bestial appetites. Off they wander, perhaps towards the local watering hole known to natives as “Schwemm’s.” A notable phenomenon? Perhaps. But a night not unlike any other – here-

PK: Don't say it.

DA: Here, on-

PK: Don't you fucking say it.

DA: Here, on Planet Earth.

Yahoo! News Update - 11/6/10

The top story of the day according to the Yahoo! News feed. Because Yahoo! News connects me to my world.


Best Blue Film Characters:

I don't even know what to say about these anymore. As you can see from the numbering in the lower left corner of the graphic (where it says "1-4 of 52"), this was officially Yahoo!'s top story of the day. Really!? If I were to make a list of the most pressing current events of the day, it would look something like this:

#'s 1-1,000,001 - literally anything

# 1,000,002 - All time greatest blue film characters

# 1,000,003 - whatever Brett Favre is up to that day

Step it up, guys.

This Breaking News Update has been brought to you by Yahoo! News.

The 5 People You See On Every College Tour

1. Overly Proud High School Jock - He's big fucking deal at his high school and he's not afraid to let the whole world know it. You can recognize him by the varsity letterman jacket he's been wearing since he first made the football team. Wondering what position he plays? Not to worry! His sleeve will be conveniently embroidered with a "LB" or "WR" so you can tell exactly how much ass he kicks on the field.


2. Overbearing Asian Mother - Aside from the fact that she is Asian, you can tell her immediately from the thousands of questions she is barraging the poor tour guide with. "Is your campus more Mac or more PC?" "What!? Boy and Girl live on same floor!?" "Where is all-girl dorm?" "Where is substance-free dorm?" "When will this tour end so my daughter can keep studying?"


3. Too Cool For School Kid - He may think he's a rebel, but really he's just mortified with embarrassment to be seen anywhere in public with his parents. You can tell him from the way he'll be trailing the rest of the tour group by at least 15 feet at all times. He'll probably have his head down the whole time, and be muttering obnoxious complaints under his breath. Yeah his hair is long and sticks out from underneath the front of his beanie. So what? He doesn't have to conform to your bourgeois social norms. But God forbid his parents, who are shelling out $50,000 a year for his education, ask the guide a single question.


4. Dad who is Really "Into College" - He might be wearing a t-shirt or sweater of his alma mater. He may even be carrying around a camcorder, just to make sure his kid remembers every last detail when he makes his final choice. But one thing is for sure: he will awkwardly attempt to relate to the half-his-age tour guide with classic epic stories about how things used to be back in his college days. Yeah, college was pretty wild back in the seventies, and he's gonna tell you about it. Every last detail. He will stop at nothing to make sure the entire group knows that he is the hip-and-with-it "cool Dad." Every time the tour guide mentions dorm life or the social scene, he will say something with ironic feigned shock like "Drinking!? On a college campus!?" or "Bringing girls back to the room? Well I'm sure they'll be none of that!" before playfully nudging the horrified father of a prospective freshman girl.


5. The Hot Girl - Just kidding.

Other Business Ideas

Since I already came up with the next big thing with Five Loko (Four Loko that is one more extreme), I figured I'd share a few of my other awesome business ideas that are going to make me rich:

• Hibachi Breakfast:  It's 10 o'clock on a Sunday morning, you just woke up hung-over from a long night out, and all you want to do is stuff your face with enough greasy eggs, breakfast meats, and potatoes to feed a small African nation. Why stop at the boring old diner when you can have a unique ethnic experience thats fun for the whole family! Look, this isn't rocket science, why not have a Hibachi restaurant that's open for breakfast? You can pick your own style of omelet with fillings, what kind of meat/starch sides you want, and then watch those ninja chefs go to town cooking it right in front of you on their giant stove-top tables. Those guys already know how to do like a million stupid little tricks with eggs - come on, it's almost too perfect!
• Graham Qwackers:  Just like Teddy Grahams except instead of teddy bears they're shaped like ducks. Delicious snack for kids with speech impediments. Pretty self-explanatory.
• Freak Weddings:  There's a huge untapped market out there of nerds and freaks who are so obsessed with shit like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, etc... that they want their freakish weddings to be themed accordingly. Basically what I would do is buy a giant warehouse and turn it into a bunch of sets/chapels that you could get married in. Tell me their aren't tons of people who would jizz in their brightly-colored grease-stained sweatpants at the prospects of marrying their equally disgusting fiancé/fiancée on the command deck of the Starship Enterprise, or on board the Millennium Falcon, or in front of the majestic [insert medieval building feature here] of [insert magical-sounding Lord of the Rings locale here].  Basically, we would provide the fully dressed set (of which the possibilities are endless) for your ceremony, as well as appropriately themed costumes for the wedding party. Fuck yes I want to see a Darth Vader up on the alter flanked by a squad of Storm Trooper groomsmen, or a Han Solo groom with Chewbacca best man. Brides with Princess Leia Cinnabun-hair or pointy Elf ears? Count me in! We'd even provide the guy who performs the ceremony. The captain of a ship can perform a marriage at sea, right? Well how about a captain's marriage from Captain Kirk? Have Gandalf perform your civil union! I'm telling you, I think I really hit the jackpot with this one.

Jump on the bandwagon for these ideas while you still can! Investors welcome.

Diabetes Beard of the Month - Ethan Suplee

Diabetes Beard:  noun  \ˌdī-ə-ˈbē-tēz, -ˈbē-təs\  \ˈbird\ 

Facial hair on a man, especially on an exceptionally obese individual, that is distinctly straggly, unkempt, crusty, disheveled, or poorly groomed so as to give him the appearance of being sickly and diabetic. 

Congratulations to actor Ethan Suplee! You may know him as lovable dimwit Randy Hickey on My Name Is Earl, or, if you're like me, you'll always remember him as Louie "I Just Gave Your Mama A Piggy-Back Ride And She Weighs Twice As Much As I Do"  Lastik - the offensive (no pun intended) lineman from Remember The Titans. This month, we salute Ethan's "I-may-only-be-in-my-early-30s-but-I-look-like-I'm-at-least-50 Diabetes Beard."  Well done, Sir.

Look at that filthy Diabetes Beard... disgusting. 

"Dia-what-ees?"

Good Lord! What a specimen! 

This guy could be a Diabetes Beard poster child.

See... like, literally on an actual poster.

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Four Loko

Okay, so by now everyone knows about the "blackout-in-a-can" phenomenon that is Four Loko, how it's like drinking 18 beers, 27 shots, 6 gallons of coffee, an 8-ball of coke etcetera etcetera, and have heard how it's getting banned at colleges around the country and whatnot. The news is pretty much painting this stuff like the most destructive force invented by man since the atomic bomb. If schools and the media actually cared about getting people to stop drinking Four Loko, this is the stupidest possible thing they could be doing. The Four Loko marketing people must be having a field day with this - if I were their advertising guy I'd be jizzing in my pants every time I saw a new negative story about it. How many people do you think only heard about Four Loko in the first place by reading about how bad it was? Now those people who otherwise would never have found out about it are definitely going to want to try it. And actually banning it? That's like a giant free billboard that says "This Stuff Is So Awesome At Getting You Fucked Up That We Had To Make It Illegal."

This brings me to my real point: why the fuck hasn't anyone invented Five Loko yet? Especially if Four Loko is on its way to getting banned everywhere. I mean, come on, how easy would it be to just sell the same shit but put it in a new can that says Five Loko on the side and market it as a "more extreme" version. People would be like "What does Five Loko mean? How is it any different?" and I'd be like "It's one more extreme," and they'd be all like, "But what do you mean? How much more extreme is it?" and I'd be like, "It's fucking one more extreme, do you know how to fucking count?" I'm jumping on this Five Loko gravy train right now. I'll make millions in a few weeks and then go out of business as soon as someone catches on and invents Six Loko.