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Four Loko

Okay, so by now everyone knows about the "blackout-in-a-can" phenomenon that is Four Loko, how it's like drinking 18 beers, 27 shots, 6 gallons of coffee, an 8-ball of coke etcetera etcetera, and have heard how it's getting banned at colleges around the country and whatnot. The news is pretty much painting this stuff like the most destructive force invented by man since the atomic bomb. If schools and the media actually cared about getting people to stop drinking Four Loko, this is the stupidest possible thing they could be doing. The Four Loko marketing people must be having a field day with this - if I were their advertising guy I'd be jizzing in my pants every time I saw a new negative story about it. How many people do you think only heard about Four Loko in the first place by reading about how bad it was? Now those people who otherwise would never have found out about it are definitely going to want to try it. And actually banning it? That's like a giant free billboard that says "This Stuff Is So Awesome At Getting You Fucked Up That We Had To Make It Illegal."

This brings me to my real point: why the fuck hasn't anyone invented Five Loko yet? Especially if Four Loko is on its way to getting banned everywhere. I mean, come on, how easy would it be to just sell the same shit but put it in a new can that says Five Loko on the side and market it as a "more extreme" version. People would be like "What does Five Loko mean? How is it any different?" and I'd be like "It's one more extreme," and they'd be all like, "But what do you mean? How much more extreme is it?" and I'd be like, "It's fucking one more extreme, do you know how to fucking count?" I'm jumping on this Five Loko gravy train right now. I'll make millions in a few weeks and then go out of business as soon as someone catches on and invents Six Loko.

Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat!

Most of you probably have seen or heard of the viral youtube video "Keyboard Cat," and if you're like me have wondered why the fuck it has approximately 37 billion views. Anyway, somebody came up with the most brilliant idea of the goddamn century and decided to have Keyboard Cat, who's not funny on his own, "play off" people who fail at life, which for is pretty much the most hilarious thing ever. Go figure.

The single greatest Keyboard Cat play off of all time. Drop the bombshell, Haley.

Keyboard Cat hits the Jerry Springer Show. 1:04 - "It's kind of like back to being a virgin again," priceless expression on Jerry's face.

What the fuck is wrong with this kid? 1:07 - "Tough crowd... tough crowd," you couldn't write this shit. And I love how the douchey host keeps getting on him about the microphone.

Remember her? I really love how they don't even let her finish before it comes in and cuts her off. Perfect.

Hobophobia

You know what I'm sick of? Walking by terrifying homeless people on the street when I know they are going to yell at me or do something weird to me. But like a sucker I hold out hope every time that the hobo will just let me walk by in peace. Of course, this never happens, and every time I end up walking away more hobophobic than ever.


Just the other day I was walking down the street in Northampton and was approaching a homeless guy muttering loudly to himself. I braced myself, knowing what was probably coming, and as I walked past him he screamed at me, "I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF IN THE FIELD!' He absolutely shrieked it.  What the fuck does that even mean? Is he some crazy 'Nam vet who's talking about "the field" as in war. Cause I didn't see any grassy meadows lying around. 


So I have a new strategy for how to handle this type of uncomfortable situation. The next time a homeless person solicits or harasses me in the street with some crazy bullshit I'm just gonna flip out on him and scream crazy garbled bullshit back. Basically I want to out-hobo the hobos. Hobos don't have a monopoly on acting bat-shit crazy. Let's take it back from them. I don't think they'll know how to react. Try it.

New Courses This Fall

I know Amherst College is supposed to be all "liberal artsy" and whatnot, but has anyone seen some of the flyers they've been putting up for new courses this semester? They're starting to get out of control:

Yahoo! News Update - 10/24/10

The top story of the day according to the front page of the Yahoo! News feed. Because Yahoo! News connects me to my world.


Dog Befuddled by Pet Door:

Full Story

Another front page story from our friends at Yahoo! News that is both compelling and profoundly relevant. Take a minute to delight in the biting social commentary provided by this piece of broadcast journalism. Can you say, "Peabody Award?"

I mean, come on, this looks like a headline from The Onion.

Other Current Events From Today Deemed Less Important By Yahoo! News:

• Yemen Launches Anti-Al Qaeda Military Operation
• World Series matchup set: Texas Rangers vs. San Francisco Giants
• WikiLeaks releases thousands of classified military documents detailing the War in Iraq, including evidence that Iraqi security forces tortured and killed prisoners
• Hurricane Richard hits the Yucatan Peninsula with 105 mph winds
• Serial shooter targeting immigrants in Sweden, responsible for 15 shootings of ethnic minorities 
• Impending November Federal and State elections

Glad they got to the bottom of what's really going on in the world today.

This Breaking News Update has been brought to you by Yahoo! News.

D2 - The Drinking Game

For those of you not "in the know," D2 refers to the second installment of the Holy Trilogy know as The Mighty Ducks. It's the one where they are team U.S.A. and they go all way, winning the Junior Goodwill Games by beating Iceland, which is kind of like an implicit metaphor for how we won the Cold War, and yeah, so it's pretty much a really big deal.

***Disclaimer***

This game can get ugly quickly

The Rules: 

Drink every time someone says one of the following:


• "GOLDBERG!!"

• A group quack

• A mention of the peewee championship

• "The Minnesota Miracle Man"

• A reference to Bombay's hair

• A sounding of the duck call

• "The Quack Attack is back Jack!"
• They identify themselves as ducks

• "He dissed you bad, G!"
• "Triple Deke" 
• "The Bash Brothers!"

• "Minneapolis, Minnesota."
• "You lost it for yourself! Let's go shake their hands! Good work Captain Duck!" - Triple Drink Bonus

• Russ Tyler saying something token black (somewhat open for debate)
• Goldberg says something quintessentially fat kid (very open for debate)
• Aberman says something quintessentially Jewish (most open for debate)
• Refers to Bombay as “Captain Blood”
• Refers to Iceland coach as “The Dentist”
•  Every time Tibbles has a stupid non-sequitor
• “I think it will take a supreme individual effort from me, Greg Goldberg”

Drink every time one of the following occurs:


• Gunnar is on-screen

• Luis hits the pop cans/wall

• Russ hits a knuckle puck

• Fulton hits a slap shot

• Dwayne cattle ropes someone

• Fulton and Portman play air guitar/use their sticks as guitars

• They do the flying V

• Wu does a figure skating move

• A professional athlete is shown

• A duck receives a penalty or is ejected
• Julie “The Cat” Gaffney makes a glove save
• The Bash Brothers put on their bandanas
• Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson is a buzzkill
• * Final Shot: When Tibbles and Bombay exchange a meaningful look during the rousing rendition of, "We Are The Champions" by the campfire.

USA! USA! USA!