The 5 People You See On Every College Tour

1. Overly Proud High School Jock - He's big fucking deal at his high school and he's not afraid to let the whole world know it. You can recognize him by the varsity letterman jacket he's been wearing since he first made the football team. Wondering what position he plays? Not to worry! His sleeve will be conveniently embroidered with a "LB" or "WR" so you can tell exactly how much ass he kicks on the field.


2. Overbearing Asian Mother - Aside from the fact that she is Asian, you can tell her immediately from the thousands of questions she is barraging the poor tour guide with. "Is your campus more Mac or more PC?" "What!? Boy and Girl live on same floor!?" "Where is all-girl dorm?" "Where is substance-free dorm?" "When will this tour end so my daughter can keep studying?"


3. Too Cool For School Kid - He may think he's a rebel, but really he's just mortified with embarrassment to be seen anywhere in public with his parents. You can tell him from the way he'll be trailing the rest of the tour group by at least 15 feet at all times. He'll probably have his head down the whole time, and be muttering obnoxious complaints under his breath. Yeah his hair is long and sticks out from underneath the front of his beanie. So what? He doesn't have to conform to your bourgeois social norms. But God forbid his parents, who are shelling out $50,000 a year for his education, ask the guide a single question.


4. Dad who is Really "Into College" - He might be wearing a t-shirt or sweater of his alma mater. He may even be carrying around a camcorder, just to make sure his kid remembers every last detail when he makes his final choice. But one thing is for sure: he will awkwardly attempt to relate to the half-his-age tour guide with classic epic stories about how things used to be back in his college days. Yeah, college was pretty wild back in the seventies, and he's gonna tell you about it. Every last detail. He will stop at nothing to make sure the entire group knows that he is the hip-and-with-it "cool Dad." Every time the tour guide mentions dorm life or the social scene, he will say something with ironic feigned shock like "Drinking!? On a college campus!?" or "Bringing girls back to the room? Well I'm sure they'll be none of that!" before playfully nudging the horrified father of a prospective freshman girl.


5. The Hot Girl - Just kidding.