Four Loko

Okay, so by now everyone knows about the "blackout-in-a-can" phenomenon that is Four Loko, how it's like drinking 18 beers, 27 shots, 6 gallons of coffee, an 8-ball of coke etcetera etcetera, and have heard how it's getting banned at colleges around the country and whatnot. The news is pretty much painting this stuff like the most destructive force invented by man since the atomic bomb. If schools and the media actually cared about getting people to stop drinking Four Loko, this is the stupidest possible thing they could be doing. The Four Loko marketing people must be having a field day with this - if I were their advertising guy I'd be jizzing in my pants every time I saw a new negative story about it. How many people do you think only heard about Four Loko in the first place by reading about how bad it was? Now those people who otherwise would never have found out about it are definitely going to want to try it. And actually banning it? That's like a giant free billboard that says "This Stuff Is So Awesome At Getting You Fucked Up That We Had To Make It Illegal."

This brings me to my real point: why the fuck hasn't anyone invented Five Loko yet? Especially if Four Loko is on its way to getting banned everywhere. I mean, come on, how easy would it be to just sell the same shit but put it in a new can that says Five Loko on the side and market it as a "more extreme" version. People would be like "What does Five Loko mean? How is it any different?" and I'd be like "It's one more extreme," and they'd be all like, "But what do you mean? How much more extreme is it?" and I'd be like, "It's fucking one more extreme, do you know how to fucking count?" I'm jumping on this Five Loko gravy train right now. I'll make millions in a few weeks and then go out of business as soon as someone catches on and invents Six Loko.