David Attenborough : Over half of Amherst College’s surface is covered by quads. Situated between the Crossett-Stone Lowlands to the east, and the Pond-Davis Range to the west, the Social Quad ranks as Amherst’s second largest. Although dwarfed in area by the Freshman Quad, the Social Quad is unparalleled for biological diversity. With the notable exception of the Eastern Gray Squirrel stockpiling acorns for winter, the quad remains largely uninhabited by day. But by nightfall, the quad becomes a veritable hotbed of collegiate life.
PK: Yo, seriously Dave, you really need to shut the fuck up with that. If this is how you’re gonna act all night then I’m not gonna bring you out with us.
DA: But this is how I talk.
PK: Do you wanna go with us or not?
DA: Alright, alright, I'm cool.
[We walk down to the Socials, where a large crowd is gathered outside. Attenborough becomes infatuated with some dude trying to spit game off to the side.]
DA: The urge to mate is one that drives all species of the Social Quad. By one o’clock in the morning, desire has turned to desperation. Isolated on the outskirts of the herd, a male of the Former Athlete subspecies courts a prospective breeding partner. Recently liberated from the restrictions of his gridiron commitments, the Ex-Football Player abandons his close-cropped haircut for a longer, shaggier winter pelt. The extra fur, he hopes, will help attract potential mates. As it is, he has managed to find a freshman female that has become separated from the rest of the flock.
PK: Really? Come on, what did I just tell you about that shit, man?
DA: The Ex-Football Player gestures wildly with his arms in a primitive ritual, attempting to impress his female companion with his funny stories and animated demeanor. The female seems to be responding, albeit reluctantly. The male moves in closer, establishing physical contact by placing his hand on the small of her back. Perhaps the night is his after all.
PK: I'm serious bro, you are this close.
DA: Okay, chill man, chill. We're cool, we're cool.
PK: You want a drink or something from inside?
DA: Why that sounds splendid.
PK: Beer alright?
DA: But of course! I'll have a Guinness.
PK: We got Keystone Light.
DA: Right-o.
[I push my way inside and grab a couple of beers. By the time I reemerge, Attenborough has cornered a drunk girl and seems to be trying to impress her with his ongoing narration]
DA: Out of the brush emerges competition: the Current Football Player. Ex-Football Player may seem immense, but he is bested for size and strength by this newcomer. Former Athlete senses danger, but he is too late; confrontation is now inevitable. Current Player approaches the pair, placing his hand on the female’s opposite side. The female seems to respond to his more highly evolved physique and shorter coat of hair. Feeling the fruits of his labor beginning to slip away, the Ex-Football Player resorts to pageantry, puffing his chest out and stomping his feet at the new alpha male. Current Player is all too happy to reciprocate these gestures in turn, and the standoff begins.
[I jump in between Attenborough and the girl]
PK: Dude, what the fuck did I just tell you about this? Shit is mad annoying.
DA: Come on now, we were quite enjoying ourselves, watching those two rather stout gentlemen over there. I really don't see what the problem is.
Girl: I looove your accent, are you British or something?
DA: See?
PK: The problem is that you're a fucking creep.
[I turn to the girl]
PK: I'm really sorry he was bothering you, my friend Dave here can get a little carried away.
DA: Actually, it's Sir David Attenborough. Have I told you that I've been knighted?
[I roll my eyes at him]
DA: Just when violence seems a forgone conclusion, a flutter of heels and skirts from off in the distance. The bevy of first year females has returned to rescue their fallen comrade. Preoccupied with one another, the two males are powerless to protest as she reclaims her spot amongst the brood. Just as fast as it swooped in, the flock takes off, leaving barely a trace in its wake. Current Player and Ex-Player are bewildered; victory belongs to neither on this night.
PK: Enough already. What is it with you and the words, and the nature, and what the fuck is a bevy?
DA: Although not as powerful as the drive to mate, hunger is still a most compelling force on the creatures of the Social Quad. Resigned to remain abstentious for yet another evening, Current Football Player and Ex-Football Player put aside their recent contest and resolve to quell their bestial appetites. Off they wander, perhaps towards the local watering hole known to natives as “Schwemm’s.” A notable phenomenon? Perhaps. But a night not unlike any other – here-
PK: Don't say it.
DA: Here, on-
PK: Don't you fucking say it.
DA: Here, on Planet Earth.
