The results of the secret and incredibly complicated voting process are in. Last place (8th place) finisher, you know what that means. Without further ado, I present the official results of the 2010 Shittiest Mixtape Boom Box Blast:
Tier 1: The Winners
Congratulations to Tom and Ty! Since they are tied for the highest point total, they will convene to create a Hybrid Mixtape by combining their respective playlists.
1st Place (Tie): Playlist #7 – Tom (+5 points)
Tom’s playlist matches his personality perfectly: low-risk choices, standard, safe, but no real glaring weakness. Consistently steady to the point of being inhuman. Debatable whether or not he has any truly unique gems, but strong overall.
Highlights: “All the Things She Said” – hahaha, who the fuck still remembers tATu? “Lip Gloss.”
Lowlights: Two Celine songs? Eh.
1st Place (Tie): Playlist #1 – Ty (+5 points)
Perhaps not as consistent throughout as Tom’s, but equally funny due to unique and risky choices, including opening with the National Anthem, and that ridiculous song from RENT. Definitely a few gems on the list, let’s hope Joe is feeling patriotic. Shit, I gave it away.
Highlights: “Seasons of Love” – just brilliant. “God Bless the U.S.A.”
Lowlights: “Die for Metal,” “We Built This City” – not sure what he was going for.
Tier 2: Right Idea
Respectable showings, but alas, not enough
3rd Place: Playlist #6 – Michael (+2 points)
Shockingly, Michael was unable to come up with the BEST PLAYLIST EVER, and will have to settle for THIRD BEST EVER. Shocking.
Highlights: “Girlfriend” – very possibly the funniest single song on any playlist; literally impossible to listen to. “Cowboy” – “…what’s up, it’s Rock. Listen, I’m packin’ it up and bringin’ it out West, so get it together…COWBOY STYLE!”
Lowlights: “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta” is just a damn good song.
4th Place: Playlist #2 – PK (+1 point)
Yeah yeah, laugh it up, I couldn’t even win my own contest. But I did get top-3 votes from both of the two eventual winners. So there, I’m a comedian’s comedian, you all just don’t “get” me.
But seriously, how the fuck was this one not the funniest?
Highlights: “Perfect Day” – Legally Blonde reference. “C’est La Vie” – for anyone who remembers the commercials that used to air while watching Nickelodeon in the 90s. “Rollin” – watch the now-painfully-awkward music video set atop a certain former tower; is it possible that Fred Durst was actually the cause of 9/11?
Lowlights: […still searching…]
Tier 3: Slowly Veering Off The Cliff
So much potential…squandered.
5th Place: Playlist #3 – Team Garmezy (0 points)
The most hit-or-miss playlist by far. Uncanny ability to alternate unique gems like the “Friends” Theme song and “Ay Bay Bay” with absolute misses like “Star Trekkin.” So back and forth, one has to wonder if each twin did half of the songs, and one is hilarious while the other completely sucks ass. One brother clearly must have sabotaged a valiant effort by the other: the only question is, was it Adam or Ben?
Highlights: Friends Theme Song. Fuckin’ Enya. The incredibly awkward attempt at a profound racial message in “Ebony and Ivory.”
Lowlights: “Star Trekkin?” Seriously, which one of you fucked it up?
6th Place: Playlist #8 – Don (-1 point)
Nothing inherently un-funny about it. Just lacking a unique signature that made it stand out. [Cue: sudden outburst of Asian rage]
Highlights: James Blunt, although I’m not sure about the specific song choice. That Trapt song absolutely cracks me up for some reason.
Lowlights: “You’re Having My Baby” and the accompanying music video – this means that some freak actually took the time to Google image search photos of pregnant women showing off their stomachs and decided it was a pretty good idea to make a montage set to music of about 50 of them…disturbing.
Tier 4: Crash and Burn
Alan, I am extremely sorry to have to include yours in the same tier as Joe’s, but with 8 entries it works out to 2 per group – that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Joe, you were the only unanimous choice, garnering -1 point from all seven voters. Not only did you appear to miss the point entirely, but you refused even to help yourself by being the only active participant to not send in a vote at all. May God have mercy on your soul.
7th Place: Playlist #4 – Alan Yuhas (-5 points)
I feel for you, buddy. “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne was an absolute gem. And Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” is, by numerous accounts, the single douchiest/funniest song possible in this game. But it was hard to count that in your favor because that song was in the Aziz Ansari example video I sent out at the beginning. That plus a few misses may have sealed your fate.
Highlights: “Butterfly” – in a vacuum that’s probably the funniest song on any list
Lowlights: “Butterfly” – obviously the songs Aziz chose are fucking hilarious, that’s why he’s a fucking professional comedian and we are not. At least be original.
8th and Last Place: Playlist #5 – Joe Moffitt (-7 points)
[Burying my face in my hands and shaking my head]
Highlights: Not Applicable.
Keep checking in over the next few days to see the final playlist and a hilarious video of Joe taking his punishment like a man.
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