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Four Loko

Okay, so by now everyone knows about the "blackout-in-a-can" phenomenon that is Four Loko, how it's like drinking 18 beers, 27 shots, 6 gallons of coffee, an 8-ball of coke etcetera etcetera, and have heard how it's getting banned at colleges around the country and whatnot. The news is pretty much painting this stuff like the most destructive force invented by man since the atomic bomb. If schools and the media actually cared about getting people to stop drinking Four Loko, this is the stupidest possible thing they could be doing. The Four Loko marketing people must be having a field day with this - if I were their advertising guy I'd be jizzing in my pants every time I saw a new negative story about it. How many people do you think only heard about Four Loko in the first place by reading about how bad it was? Now those people who otherwise would never have found out about it are definitely going to want to try it. And actually banning it? That's like a giant free billboard that says "This Stuff Is So Awesome At Getting You Fucked Up That We Had To Make It Illegal."

This brings me to my real point: why the fuck hasn't anyone invented Five Loko yet? Especially if Four Loko is on its way to getting banned everywhere. I mean, come on, how easy would it be to just sell the same shit but put it in a new can that says Five Loko on the side and market it as a "more extreme" version. People would be like "What does Five Loko mean? How is it any different?" and I'd be like "It's one more extreme," and they'd be all like, "But what do you mean? How much more extreme is it?" and I'd be like, "It's fucking one more extreme, do you know how to fucking count?" I'm jumping on this Five Loko gravy train right now. I'll make millions in a few weeks and then go out of business as soon as someone catches on and invents Six Loko.

Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat!

Most of you probably have seen or heard of the viral youtube video "Keyboard Cat," and if you're like me have wondered why the fuck it has approximately 37 billion views. Anyway, somebody came up with the most brilliant idea of the goddamn century and decided to have Keyboard Cat, who's not funny on his own, "play off" people who fail at life, which for is pretty much the most hilarious thing ever. Go figure.

The single greatest Keyboard Cat play off of all time. Drop the bombshell, Haley.

Keyboard Cat hits the Jerry Springer Show. 1:04 - "It's kind of like back to being a virgin again," priceless expression on Jerry's face.

What the fuck is wrong with this kid? 1:07 - "Tough crowd... tough crowd," you couldn't write this shit. And I love how the douchey host keeps getting on him about the microphone.

Remember her? I really love how they don't even let her finish before it comes in and cuts her off. Perfect.

Hobophobia

You know what I'm sick of? Walking by terrifying homeless people on the street when I know they are going to yell at me or do something weird to me. But like a sucker I hold out hope every time that the hobo will just let me walk by in peace. Of course, this never happens, and every time I end up walking away more hobophobic than ever.


Just the other day I was walking down the street in Northampton and was approaching a homeless guy muttering loudly to himself. I braced myself, knowing what was probably coming, and as I walked past him he screamed at me, "I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF IN THE FIELD!' He absolutely shrieked it.  What the fuck does that even mean? Is he some crazy 'Nam vet who's talking about "the field" as in war. Cause I didn't see any grassy meadows lying around. 


So I have a new strategy for how to handle this type of uncomfortable situation. The next time a homeless person solicits or harasses me in the street with some crazy bullshit I'm just gonna flip out on him and scream crazy garbled bullshit back. Basically I want to out-hobo the hobos. Hobos don't have a monopoly on acting bat-shit crazy. Let's take it back from them. I don't think they'll know how to react. Try it.

New Courses This Fall

I know Amherst College is supposed to be all "liberal artsy" and whatnot, but has anyone seen some of the flyers they've been putting up for new courses this semester? They're starting to get out of control:

Yahoo! News Update - 10/24/10

The top story of the day according to the front page of the Yahoo! News feed. Because Yahoo! News connects me to my world.


Dog Befuddled by Pet Door:

Full Story

Another front page story from our friends at Yahoo! News that is both compelling and profoundly relevant. Take a minute to delight in the biting social commentary provided by this piece of broadcast journalism. Can you say, "Peabody Award?"

I mean, come on, this looks like a headline from The Onion.

Other Current Events From Today Deemed Less Important By Yahoo! News:

• Yemen Launches Anti-Al Qaeda Military Operation
• World Series matchup set: Texas Rangers vs. San Francisco Giants
• WikiLeaks releases thousands of classified military documents detailing the War in Iraq, including evidence that Iraqi security forces tortured and killed prisoners
• Hurricane Richard hits the Yucatan Peninsula with 105 mph winds
• Serial shooter targeting immigrants in Sweden, responsible for 15 shootings of ethnic minorities 
• Impending November Federal and State elections

Glad they got to the bottom of what's really going on in the world today.

This Breaking News Update has been brought to you by Yahoo! News.

D2 - The Drinking Game

For those of you not "in the know," D2 refers to the second installment of the Holy Trilogy know as The Mighty Ducks. It's the one where they are team U.S.A. and they go all way, winning the Junior Goodwill Games by beating Iceland, which is kind of like an implicit metaphor for how we won the Cold War, and yeah, so it's pretty much a really big deal.

***Disclaimer***

This game can get ugly quickly

The Rules: 

Drink every time someone says one of the following:


• "GOLDBERG!!"

• A group quack

• A mention of the peewee championship

• "The Minnesota Miracle Man"

• A reference to Bombay's hair

• A sounding of the duck call

• "The Quack Attack is back Jack!"
• They identify themselves as ducks

• "He dissed you bad, G!"
• "Triple Deke" 
• "The Bash Brothers!"

• "Minneapolis, Minnesota."
• "You lost it for yourself! Let's go shake their hands! Good work Captain Duck!" - Triple Drink Bonus

• Russ Tyler saying something token black (somewhat open for debate)
• Goldberg says something quintessentially fat kid (very open for debate)
• Aberman says something quintessentially Jewish (most open for debate)
• Refers to Bombay as “Captain Blood”
• Refers to Iceland coach as “The Dentist”
•  Every time Tibbles has a stupid non-sequitor
• “I think it will take a supreme individual effort from me, Greg Goldberg”

Drink every time one of the following occurs:


• Gunnar is on-screen

• Luis hits the pop cans/wall

• Russ hits a knuckle puck

• Fulton hits a slap shot

• Dwayne cattle ropes someone

• Fulton and Portman play air guitar/use their sticks as guitars

• They do the flying V

• Wu does a figure skating move

• A professional athlete is shown

• A duck receives a penalty or is ejected
• Julie “The Cat” Gaffney makes a glove save
• The Bash Brothers put on their bandanas
• Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson is a buzzkill
• * Final Shot: When Tibbles and Bombay exchange a meaningful look during the rousing rendition of, "We Are The Champions" by the campfire.

USA! USA! USA!

Yahoo! News Update - 10/23/10

The top story of the day according to the front page of the Yahoo! News feed. Because Yahoo! News connects me to my world.


Banana Vending Machines:

Full Story

Whoa! Easy does it, Scientific Community - don't bite off more than you can chew. Just the other day, me and some of my pals who are engineering majors at MIT were discussing how truly incredible it would be if someone were to invent a vending machine specifically for bananas. I mean, it would have to be different from any type of technology previously known to mankind.  This would be like our generation's moon landing! 

Highlights: 

• Quote from expert Jerry Parle: "This is a total new era for vending." 
• Ridiculously overly-scientific terms: "Del Monte also developed a special packaging for bananas that keeps them fresher longer. Plastic loosely encases the banana...and helps control the mix of gases in its atmosphere that drives ripening." - so basically they invented a fucking plastic bag.

This Breaking News Update has been brought to you by Yahoo! News.

So You Want To Go To Law School?

You're going to want to watch this first.

Diabetes Beard of the Month - Andy Reid

I know what you're thinking. "What the hell is a Diabetes Beard?" Here is the official definition:


Diabetes Beard:  noun  \ˌdī-ə-ˈbē-tēz, -ˈbē-təs\  \ˈbird\ 
Facial hair on a man, especially on an exceptionally obese individual, that is distinctly straggly, unkempt, crusty, disheveled, or poorly groomed so as to give him the appearance of being sickly and diabetic. 


Congratulations to Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid! This month we honor Coach Reid for his "2009 NFL playoff-beard Diabetes Beard." Way to go!

Don't let the smile and glasses fool you - 

classic Diabetes Beard if I've ever seen one.

"Alright, seriously guys, who stole my insulin shots?" 

Diabetes Beard Pride

"Get that fucking Juice Box out of my face!"

Just look at that thing... crawling with diabetes.

Wise Words

A Quick Note on College Majors:            
Math: Numbers.
English: Words.
Economics: Numbers and words.
History: Old words.
Classics: Older words.
Philosophy: Long words.
Anthropology and Sociology: Made-up words.
Black Studies: Wurdz.
Geology: Rocks.
Chemistry: Making rocks.
Physics: Throwing rocks.
Astronomy: Really far away rocks.
Biology: Non-rocks.
Psychology: Brains.
Neuroscience: Actual brains.
Art and the History of Art: Pictures and old pictures.

Shittiest Mixtape Boom Box Blast - Voting Results

The results of the secret and incredibly complicated voting process are in. Last place (8th place) finisher, you know what that means. Without further ado, I present the official results of the 2010 Shittiest Mixtape Boom Box Blast:

Tier 1: The Winners

Congratulations to Tom and Ty! Since they are tied for the highest point total, they will convene to create a Hybrid Mixtape by combining their respective playlists.

1st Place (Tie):  Playlist #7 – Tom (+5 points)

Tom’s playlist matches his personality perfectly: low-risk choices, standard, safe, but no real glaring weakness. Consistently steady to the point of being inhuman. Debatable whether or not he has any truly unique gems, but strong overall.

Highlights: “All the Things She Said” – hahaha, who the fuck still remembers tATu? “Lip Gloss.”

Lowlights: Two Celine songs? Eh.

1st Place (Tie):  Playlist #1 – Ty (+5 points)

Perhaps not as consistent throughout as Tom’s, but equally funny due to unique and risky choices, including opening with the National Anthem, and that ridiculous song from RENT. Definitely a few gems on the list, let’s hope Joe is feeling patriotic. Shit, I gave it away.

Highlights: “Seasons of Love” – just brilliant. “God Bless the U.S.A.”

Lowlights: “Die for Metal,” “We Built This City” – not sure what he was going for.

Tier 2: Right Idea

Respectable showings, but alas, not enough

3rd Place:  Playlist #6 – Michael (+2 points)

Shockingly, Michael was unable to come up with the BEST PLAYLIST EVER, and will have to settle for THIRD BEST EVER. Shocking.

Highlights: “Girlfriend” – very possibly the funniest single song on any playlist; literally impossible to listen to. “Cowboy” – “…what’s up, it’s Rock. Listen, I’m packin’ it up and bringin’ it out West, so get it together…COWBOY STYLE!”

Lowlights: “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta” is just a damn good song.

4th Place:  Playlist #2 – PK (+1 point)

Yeah yeah, laugh it up, I couldn’t even win my own contest. But I did get top-3 votes from both of the two eventual winners. So there, I’m a comedian’s comedian, you all just don’t “get” me.

But seriously, how the fuck was this one not the funniest?

Highlights: “Perfect Day” – Legally Blonde reference. “C’est La Vie” – for anyone who remembers the commercials that used to air while watching Nickelodeon in the 90s. “Rollin” – watch the now-painfully-awkward music video set atop a certain former tower; is it possible that Fred Durst was actually the cause of 9/11?

Lowlights: […still searching…]

Tier 3: Slowly Veering Off The Cliff

So much potential…squandered.

5th Place:  Playlist #3 – Team Garmezy (0 points)

The most hit-or-miss playlist by far. Uncanny ability to alternate unique gems like the “Friends” Theme song and “Ay Bay Bay” with absolute misses like “Star Trekkin.” So back and forth, one has to wonder if each twin did half of the songs, and one is hilarious while the other completely sucks ass. One brother clearly must have sabotaged a valiant effort by the other: the only question is, was it Adam or Ben?

Highlights: Friends Theme Song. Fuckin’ Enya. The incredibly awkward attempt at a profound racial message in “Ebony and Ivory.”

Lowlights: “Star Trekkin?” Seriously, which one of you fucked it up?

6th Place:  Playlist #8 – Don (-1 point)

Nothing inherently un­-funny about it. Just lacking a unique signature that made it stand out. [Cue: sudden outburst of Asian rage]

Highlights: James Blunt, although I’m not sure about the specific song choice. That Trapt song absolutely cracks me up for some reason.

Lowlights: “You’re Having My Baby” and the accompanying music video – this means that some freak actually took the time to Google image search photos of pregnant women showing off their stomachs and decided it was a pretty good idea to make a montage set to music of about 50 of them…disturbing.

Tier 4: Crash and Burn

Alan, I am extremely sorry to have to include yours in the same tier as Joe’s, but with 8 entries it works out to 2 per group – that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Joe, you were the only unanimous choice, garnering -1 point from all seven voters. Not only did you appear to miss the point entirely, but you refused even to help yourself by being the only active participant to not send in a vote at all. May God have mercy on your soul.

7th Place:  Playlist #4 – Alan Yuhas (-5 points)

I feel for you, buddy. “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne was an absolute gem. And Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” is, by numerous accounts, the single douchiest/funniest song possible in this game. But it was hard to count that in your favor because that song was in the Aziz Ansari example video I sent out at the beginning. That plus a few misses may have sealed your fate.

Highlights: “Butterfly” – in a vacuum that’s probably the funniest song on any list

Lowlights: “Butterfly” – obviously the songs Aziz chose are fucking hilarious, that’s why he’s a fucking professional comedian and we are not. At least be original.

8th and Last Place:  Playlist #5 – Joe Moffitt (-7 points)

[Burying my face in my hands and shaking my head]

Highlights: Not Applicable.

Lowlights: [SEE: “Playlist #5”]

Keep checking in over the next few days to see the final playlist and a hilarious video of Joe taking his punishment like a man.

Shittiest Mixtape Boom Box Blast - The Playlists

Here are the official playlist entries - 8 in total

Playlist #1 – Ty

1. Star Spangled Banner (Instrumental)

2. How You Remind Me - Nickelback

3. Seasons of Love - RENT (the musical)

4. Die for Metal - Manowar

5. Love Shack - The B52s

6. Unleash the Dragon - Sisqo 

7. We Built this City - Jefferson Starship

8. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

9. Like a Surgeon - Weird Al Yankovic

10. God Bless the U.S.A. - Lee Greenwood

Playlist #2 – PK

1. Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men

2. Blue - Eiffel 65

3. My Way - Limp Bizkit

4. Thong Song - Sisqo

5. With Arms Wide Open - Creed

6. Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

7. Perfect Day - Hoku

8. Dr. Jones - Aqua

9. C'est La Vie - B*Witched

10. Rollin' - Limp Bizkit

Playlist #3 – The Brothers Garmezy

1. I'll Be There for You - The Rembrandts

2. Only Time - Enya 
3. Yah Trick Yahh - Soulja Boy
4. Hero - Enrique Iglesias 
5. I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman - Britney Spears
6. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
7. Star Trekkin' - The Firm
8. A Bay Bay - Hurricane Chris
9. Ebony and Ivory - Paul Mcartney and Stevie Wonder
10. Lost Without You - Robin Thicke


Playlist #4 – Alan
1. It's My Life - Bon Jovi 
2. Why Can't I? - Liz Phair 
3. Butterfly - Crazy Town
4. Mr. Mistoffelees - CATS (the musical)
5. The Power of Love - Celine Dion 
6. You Got It (The Right Stuff) - New Kids on the Block
7. Go Ninja Go - Vanila Ice (via Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze)
8. God Bless the U.S.A. - Lee Greenwood
9. Complicated - Avril Lavigne
10. Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas (the movie)

Playlist #5 – Joe (WTF?)
1. 99 Red Balloons - Van Nuys        
2. The Emo Kid Song - Adam and Andrew
3. UmBahhRella - Midnyte Metal
4. Fish Heads - Barnes & Barnes
5. I'm An Asshole - Dennis Leary
6. Girl, I F****d Yo' Boyfriend - Jonny McGovern
7. Tip Toe Through the Tulips - Tiny Tim
8. Dead Babies - Iced Earth   
9. Oops... I Did It Again - Max Raabe & Palast
10. Gay Boyfriend (UK Remix) - The Hazzards

Playlist #6 – Michael

1. Gonna Make you Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) - C + C Music Factory

2. Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

3. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

4. Damn It Feels Good to be a Gansta - Geto Boys

5. Leave (Get Out) - Jojo

6. Smell Yo Dick - Riskay

7. Wannabe - Spice Girls

8. Cowboy - Kid Rock

9. How do I Live - Trisha Yearwood

10. Bye Bye Bye - *Nsync

Playlist #7 - Tom
1. Lip Gloss - Lil Mama

2. All the Things She Said - t.A.T.u.

3. I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman - Britney Spears

4. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas

5. You Were Meant for Me - Jewel

6. Nookie - Limp Bizkit

7. All By Myself - Celine Dion

8. When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls

9. If Today Was Your Last Day - Nickelback

10. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

Playlist #8 – Don Wu

1. I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman - Britney Spears

2. Higher - Creed

3. Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

4. You're Having My Baby - Paul Anka

5. MMMBop - Hanson

6. Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men

7. When a Man Loves a Woman - Michael Bolton

8. Headstrong - Trapt

9. How You Remind Me - Nickelback

10. Too Close - Next